I’ve wanted to write and direct films for a long time. When I was younger, I devoured films and tried to copy each one. I spent hours every day reading about film theory and watching interviews with directors, writers, cinematographers, and the like. But I didn’t make many films. That’s not entirely truthful, but the quality of those shorts were shameful to me back then. I realize now that everyone makes garbage in the beginning because you just have to. That’s what I tell myself at least.
Today and every day like it, I wonder why I want to make films. I’ve seen what a real film production looks like and all of the work behind the camera. Screenplays, even if they credit one person, are written by committee. Deals are struck to get someone to act in your film, only for them to drop out later. You lose locations and crew in the exact same manner. When you finally get to shoot, you’re busy worrying about a combination of being efficient because you can’t waste anyones time and actually getting the shot. But then someone forgot headphones, batteries, and a work ethic and this becomes your product. You end up literally spending the entire day on your feet, except for your 30 minute lunch break. You go home late and immediately head to bed because you’re too tired to think and you’ve got to wake up early the next morning to do the whole thing over again. After all this hard work, your only thought is that you have to hide all of your mistakes in the edit. Finally, you sit down to watch your finished project but you can’t enjoy it because you notice nothing but those mistakes from earlier. This has been all of my student films.
Filmmaking is scary. I need to make money and this is not the way to do it. Nobody wants to listen to what I have to say and why should they pay to do it. I’m burnt out from my thesis and I haven’t had an idea for a short film I could make in months. The directors I admire never complain, they just do. I’m not able to push myself to come up with ideas and I can’t waste people’s time filming something awful. The older I get the more responsibilities I have. That’s the difference between now and when I was younger.
To do anything else with my life would be to bankrupt my soul. That’s it. Filmmaking is all I’ve got. I just have to do it and I can’t exactly say why. As awful as I made it sound, I love the chaos of the set; I revel in the pressure squeezing me from every side. Every frame of every godawful movie I’ve ever made has been a frame of catharsis for me. Each is some demented part of myself trying to get out and stay out. The doubts I have about my skill and my future remain long after any film wraps and the cast and crew shuffle home, but maybe that’s why I keep making movies.
I do not know what’s next for me. I have trouble working on more than one thing at a time and I’ve been concentrating on The Maillard Reaction quite heavily. As miserable as I may appear from this dumb post, I still have some amount of hope. And I’m itching to make something before I go stark mad.
TLDR; I can’t afford a therapist.
Toodles,
Austin
A Bigger Boat 